I guess the best way to start is with what I'm thinking right now.
The most emo phrase you can probably think of: my heart hurts. Literally.
Falling for the wrong person seems to be an MO of mine. Without fail I end up with the wrong guy.
The verbally abusive guy: check.
The emotionally abusive guy: check.
The sexually abusive guy: check.
The overprotective guy: check.
The physically abusive guy: check.
The drunk: check.
The drug addict: check.
The manipulator: check.
The thief: check.
You name it, I've been in that relationship. Unfortunately, my ex-fiance was most of these things. *sigh* Now, anyone who has been in a relationship with a person who possesses any one of these characteristics will tell you that it doesn't start out bad. In fact, it starts out better than you could ever imagine. It isn't until you are completely invested in every way that it turns sour.
After I broke up with my ex in 2010, I more or less swore off relationships. I wasn't interested in anything more than instant gratification because, in my mind, I couldn't get as hurt that way: I'd have more control of the situation. This drained me more than I even realized.
I'm still struggling to overcome the damage I did to myself. I'm most definitely not going to let my ex off the hook: he did some serious damage. But I didn't help myself the way I should have.
Last October is when I really came to understand how much damage I had done. I met a man at work with whom I ended up falling in love. Unfortunately, it didn't work out between us. [Although I'm still holding out for a miracle...] However, I learned more from Josh than I ever thought I would.
He is the complete opposite of my ex. He is kind, strong, loving, family oriented, religious, dedicated. Anything and everything you could ever hope for in a significant other. He made me realize that I was worth loving. He opened my eyes to the fact that I deserved to be treated with respect and nothing less. It is thanks to him that I realized that hook ups and instant gratification aren't rewarding. They are the dementors of love.
Josh opened my heart up to the possibility of a relationship built on honesty, love, and security whereas before I didn't know anything other than fear, abuse, and anger.
Thinking about what I've learned from Josh makes me so happy but it is also what makes my heart hurt. I am happy to know now that I deserve better than what I had been getting from men. But I am so hurt that it took me this long to figure it out. I'm hurt that I hurt myself.
But I know what I deserve and I know what I don't. And I can thank Josh for helping me realize that.
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